Living in the shadows

My secret..........

I always used writing as a way to express myself when I had no one to talk to. I did a lot of writing as a teen because those were some very critical times in my life and I'm shocked that I made it.No one truly knows me, they just know bits and pieces that I have shared over the years and I guess they are ok with the results.

I am the person everyone calls when they are in need of something or their going through. I've been called the "Calm in the midst of the storm". It's amazing that I am viewed as such based on the struggles I face day to day.

When you see me I am always laughing and joking,truth is that's all I know to do.I smile so much till it literally hurts because If I don't,I will break into a million little pieces. Not a day goes by that I don't think about leaving my life, funny thing is I am surrounded by people who say they love me and that they would do anything for me, yet they can not  save me from myself.

In May of 2010 I was diagnosed with severe depression.Crazy thing was for two years the doctors were saying to me that I was depressed and I was in denial. Yes I had alot on my plate but I thought that I was handling it well. I was working myself into an early grave by taking on everyone's life and neglecting my own. I  put on my Wonder Woman outfit and I jumped into action trying to save those in my world.

No one seemed to notice that I became lost until I was unreachable. I spent two and a half years sedated. I just went through life not really feeling anything.I would go to my significant other and attempt to tell him how I felt, and he would yell and complain about not having anytime to himself. I would call my mother and she would rant and rave about all the imperfections that were going on in her world.

I felt myself spiral into a place that I knew I didn't need to be, but it welcomed me in.

I was fed up with life. I was sick and I didn't know why. Everyone who ever needed me seemed to just get up and go when I could no longer be of service. I woke up one day alone. Everyone went on with their life and left me behind.

Sylvester came home from work one day and I asked him if I could talk to him, he said  hurry up cause I'm tired and I want to lay down. I started to tell him how I felt the walls closing in on me and how I was afraid I wasn't going to make it and as I started to cry, he got up and said, " you keep letting this stuff bother you, you  can't worry about other people,you see I don't".He then proceeded to tell me how tired he was and how all he wanted to do was come home to a quiet house and be left alone.

I didn't tell him that I felt I was on my way out of here.I kept that to myself like I did everything else.

A few weeks later I was talking on the phone and I felt fine. I got up and went to the bathroom to pee and all hell broke loose.I couldn't function. My cycle was on and I didn't realize I was bleeding so heavy. I messed up my clothes and at that moment,I became a four year old.Something traumatic happened to me at the age of four and seeing the blood did something to me.Here I was a grown woman standing in just a shirt and some panties and I couldn't function! Nothing I said made sense and I kept repeating over and over I'm in trouble.

I didn't know what to do but I remember pressing a button and my mom answered. "mommie I'm in trouble and I'm scared'. My mom called Sylvester and he said "I'll be home in a little bit". Thirty minutes later I was still standing there in the same spot, my aunt held my hand,my mother stayed on the phone,and I went though it. Sylvester came home and the four year old was still there. He said "if you don't snap out of it, I'm going to put your ass in a nursing home and let them deal with it!"

I cried cause I couldn't believe he would be that mean to me. When I first found out I was sick and they said there was nothing they could do for me,I told him to leave,but he wanted to stay. Looking back at it,he was more damage then he was good. My mother was about to shakes from telling him off after what she heard him say,but she said nothing.

The four year old came around several times after that.That's when I was diagnosis with having some type of seizure. To much pressure and fluid was the cause. The medication they used was so heavy that I just sat and stared,or slept.Funny thing was I would still get up and cook and take care of my family,yet no one was taking care of me.

I was afraid to take my medicine,afraid to go to sleep,and afraid to live. That is a miserable feeling. Then one day I did the only thing I knew how to do, I gave it to GOD. In that period of time he sent people into my life that gave me hope that things would be better.

I prayed for a change and it was given to me.A man entered my life and reminded me of who I was,and encourages me to be the best me I can be.

Every now and again I get overwhelmed and I feel undeserving of the happiness he brings to my life, but when you are always giving it's kind of hard to receive.

I still battle depression but it's not as bad as it once was. It's an everyday battle, but I'm not alone. I have someone I can say I need you, and their there.

Toxic People

Many times we add extra strain and pressure on ourselves by continuing to be involved with toxic people. Ever notice how as long as there is drama and confusion,your audience is spellbound and hanging on your every word. But speak about something positive and up lifting and you can hear the crickets singing in the corner. 

If all a person has is negativity,that person is toxic. Put on your hazmat suit, your shoe covers, and gas mask and walk away. Toxic people kill everything striving to grow and live. They never let you water your dreams, nor do the let the sun shine on them to grow. 
When you say, "I want to start a non profit to help battered and abused women", only to hear, "there is alot of places like that all ready, your just wasting your time". RUN!!!

That person is contaminating your space with negative feedback and killing your dream!
We are responsible for the things that come out of our mouths as well as what we put in there. Life and Death is in the power of the tongue. You are either going to speak life into your dreams, or you are going to allow Toxic people to place the nail in the coffin!

I've Learned

Ive heard with age comes wisdom 
But I'm finding that to not exactly be true 
It seems the older some of us get 
The slower we get. 

I've learned that it doesn't matter how old your are, 
You can still learn a thing or two from a young person. 

I've learned that real friends don't ask questions, 
They do what is needed and keep it moving. 

I've learned you can tell a person something a million times, 
But once they make up their mind,you can't change it. 

I've learned when people call to talk about their problems, 
Sometimes they just want you to listen they really don't want your input. 

I've learned you have all the friends in the world, 
Until you get sick,or your car breaks down.. 

I've learned to accept my have's and have not's 
I've learned to respect other people's feeling about me 
Good or Bad 
I've learned that you either like the person your are 
Or focus on liking the person you will become. 

I've learned that people are not our pet projects 
We either like them they way they are or we don't 

I've learned that people don't change 
They've been that way all the time 
We just didn't want to see it.

Life's Lessons Learned

Are we really setting an example for our children when we tell them to get an education 
and yet we don't have one? 
And how can you raise a man to be a man if you never been taught by a man? 
How are we suppose to show our daughters how to be treated with respect, 
If we don't first respect ourselves. 
We have to learn self love and get rid of self hate. 
We must teach our children it's not what you say 
It's how you say it. 
And sometimes you have to go down the road of have nots, 
In order to get to the streets of Amen. 
It's not what can be done for you, 
It's what you have done that speaks volumes. 
Don't let a pass hurt hinder your happiness today. 
Don't allow nonsense to get in the way of your victory. 
Nothing good comes easy, 
And anything worth having you have to fight for. 
But through it all it's never a mistake, 
These are all life's lesson's learned.

Positive Thoughts

Step outside your box and expand your mind, you'd be surprised at the journey it can lead too....


We fail because we lack patience. Slow down, proceed with caution,and wait for the green light, then GO!!!! 

Plant your seeds (money, tithes, ect.) on fruitful land, and watch the blessings multiply. If you've been in a place(church, a relationship, etc) for some time and you have yet to reap a harvest or a full return. Yet you are faithful and committed and give yourself selflessly.......... It's time to move on to your next destination

If your not walking with me, stop following me to see where I'm going, that’s why you cant get to your destination, you too busy trying to see what my blessings are, and what favor I’m going to get so you can wonder why me and not you!